sex life, therapy, sex therapist, couples therapy

Getting the Spice Back in Your Sex Life

We all know that in the beginning of a relationship, there is typically more spark and sexual excitement in your sex life. But as time goes on, we move out of the infatuation stage and can sometimes feel more like roommates or best friends than lovers. I have listed some tools to help couples rekindle some of the passion that has been lost. By refocusing your efforts on your sexual relationship you can make big strides towards a closer and more intimate relationship.

Choose to make your sex life a priority

Most couples will complain that they don’t have time for sex. They may have busy careers, family obligations, and feel like the last thing on their mind after a hectic day is sex. I emphasize with couples that you have to plan ahead and carve out time for each other because when you already have so much jammed into your schedules, sex can be put on the back burner.

First, start by making small changes so that you can make time for sex. For example, try to put your kids to bed early so they aren’t a distraction. Also, don’t fall asleep on the couch watching a movie, but go to bed at the same time as your partner.

Remember to plan date nights and nights for sex. It may not sound spontaneous, but I find that if couples start planning for sex, it can actually be something they look forward to. Otherwise it can so easily be pushed aside.

Communicate about all concerns you have in the relationship

Any relationship problems you may be having need to be out on the table and dealt with so that they are not affecting your sex life. Any sexual energy you do have is dampened when you hold on to angry grudges at your partner for something they know nothing about.

Also, talk with your partner about what you’d like in the bedroom. Tell them what truly turns you on and what your most intimate desires are. Share with them what you like or what you want to try. You may find that your partner did not know some of this informa- tion, and may be thrilled to try something new or they may just be happy that they know how to please you better.

This can also be a time to mention what you don’t like. If there is something you don’t like, then be gentle about it and don’t criticize the behavior. Just let them know what they can do to really get you going. This is also a good time to ask them what they desire, because they may have been too shy to speak up in the past. Talking openly can make you closer to one another, and that’s likely to make sex more interesting for both of you.

Get creative with your sex life

It can be helpful to think of sex like a menu, where you pick and choose from a variety of different options. Your sexual experiences don’t have to be the same each time. Couples can experience a variety of interactions, so be creative and open. Couples can take turns deciding what the mood will be. Sometimes the night can have a romantic feel, and other times the couple may be interested in a more playful exchange.

Change up your routine by switching things like the time of day, location, position. Some couples are interested in dressing up, others may want to experiment with different roles, and some couples have unique fantasies that they want to play out. Try something you’ve never done. This can all invigorate your relationship.

Keep the intimacy going throughout the day

Allow yourself to think about sex and anticipate it. That will help your mind and body get ready for the interaction and look forward to it. For example, you can call each other on the phone and flirt. Send suggestive emails or texts. This creates energy between you two and keeps you connected.

It’s also important to take the time to show your partner physical attention during the day. Touch your partner, snuggle, hold hands. This will also make you feel more sexual, attractive, and connected.