If things are becoming difficult in the bedroom, you likely think something’s wrong. You’re afraid you’re broken, or the relationship is doomed.
I get why you’ve been worried. No one talks about their sexual issues. You probably think everyone else around you who is in a happy relationship is rolling along just fine in their intimate life. It’s so easy to think you’re the only one who is having problems. It’s common to think that these problems means something is really wrong in your relationship.
But if this were true, then everyone who loves their partner dearly would always have an easy time in the bedroom. It’s like thinking that just because your car got a flat tire, it’s a lemon. When something goes wrong with our car, we don’t despair that somehow this isn’t the right car for us. Or that the car will never work again. We don’t think “well, I don’t deserve a car that works.” We don’t get a flat and think “never mind, I’ll never have a car that works. I’ll resign myself to just walking everywhere.” We don’t keep driving it around with a flat, ignoring the problem. We fix it. We know that a great car, one that we’ll enjoy and cherish, needs upkeep.
The truth is that just like with cars, flat tires happen in the bedroom, too. Things go wrong. We all hit difficulties. There’s no reason to think your relationship would be the exception, no matter how much you love each other or how much respect you have for each other.
What bedroom burdened couples do is fall into fear that their intimacy problems mean something is wrong with them. Or wrong with their partner. Or that it must mean something is really wrong with their relationship. And this fear stops them from taking any action to make it better. You buy into the idea that you’re broken. Or failing. And then you avoid doing anything about sex in your relationship. You avoid talking about it. Avoid doing anything. Avoid making it better. You suffer. Your partner suffers. Your relationship suffers. This may be exactly where you are right now – feeling alone in bed with your partner.
Have you wondered if you just picked the wrong person? Have you felt like you must be broken if you’re struggling in the bedroom? Have you wondered how sex can be so hard when the rest of your relationship seems so good? These are the fears that keep you awake at 4 am with that feeling of dread or doubt in the pit of your stomach. These are the fears that make you start to avoid sex with your partner. These are the fears that can create distance and even conflict with your partner. Maybe you don’t realize that problems in the bedroom are normal and common. Maybe this is exactly where you have been stuck in your own love life, buying the myth that intimacy problems are a death sentence for your relationship.
Easily intimate couples know that they will hit snags between the sheets. They are prepared to work through the challenges and come out the other side better than ever.
So what are the steps to take to make it better?
First, you’ve got to be able to talk to your partner. Too many bedroom burdened couples never bring up the topic of sex. You need to be able to talk about it so you can be teammates in making it better. You need to understand what’s happening and how you each feel about it so that you can approach it together. The goal is to be allies in a process that makes intimacy easy for both of you.
Then the two of you can look at what you’re up against. There are so many things that can make sex difficult that I’m almost amazed anyone manages to do it! There’s baggage you’ve each brought in from your upbringing and your past experiences. There are expectations you’ve come to have that set you up to feel like you’re failing. And there are ways the two of you have handled the problems so far that make it worse. It’s important to know why you’re stuck in order to make progress.
It’s also important to have a plan for making things better. Understanding what’s wrong doesn’t mean you’ve fixed it; you have to do things differently. You need sexual experiences where there is no pressure, where you can find pleasure and connection, where you can practice some new ideas about intimacy. Nothing will change unless you change your behavior.
You also have to make these changes stick. You need to make these challenges and experiences mean something, learning from what you’ve gone through. The goal is not to have more sex, by itself, but for each of you to want it, for it to be easy for both of you.
That’s how you deal with problems in the bedroom. You tackle them head on, just like you’d change the flat tire on the car you love. If you continue to think that problems mean something is wrong with you or that your relationship is doomed, you’re going to sit in fear.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. You can become an easily intimate couple. Contact me to help guide you from avoidance to action!
